Everyday I learn more about my inequality.
And you the one who stands aside and does not protest is equally guilty.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Like and Is
Like and Is,
The two are not the same.
Right and Permission,
The two are not the same.
Love and Acceptance,
The two are not the same.
Boy and girl,
the two are never same.
The two are not the same.
Right and Permission,
The two are not the same.
Love and Acceptance,
The two are not the same.
Boy and girl,
the two are never same.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
I got up late today. Like really late .
10 mins later I was running to catch the last bus.
I turned around the corner and ran flaying my arms and just made it.
Huffing and puffing i get on to the bus , smiling as is the custom here and said a bright good morning.
The bus driver was a middle aged chinese guy, a tiny person who looked like an unlikey driver.
"Please Be on time for the bus."
'Eh?' I was sure i misheard.
The look of disgust more pronounced he repeated, " Please Be on time for the bus."
That was the first conversation I had today. and it turned the whole day blue for me.
I dont react well to criticism. Specially when I am trying hard.
Am I at fault here? and in the many other situations?
Where I attempt to read the expressions ? To understand what he is thinking by the way his mouth twitches, by the way his eyes narrow, by the quick flash of anger he hides, by the 'I cant belive u are doing this again' expression.
And because of my pride in human judgement, I let it hurt me. I think I know what he is thinking and maybe I do. I feel like a little girl again who just wants the appreciation. I wish it would all be made alright. I try to read a different look now, Search for the tenderness.
And then I Let the defense kick in as I withdraw into my shell. Bring about the deliberate freezing in my words. Avoid eye contact . Let the anger simmer coz being angry is better than being sad.
And then when I can lock myself up i let it flow.
10 mins later I was running to catch the last bus.
I turned around the corner and ran flaying my arms and just made it.
Huffing and puffing i get on to the bus , smiling as is the custom here and said a bright good morning.
The bus driver was a middle aged chinese guy, a tiny person who looked like an unlikey driver.
"Please Be on time for the bus."
'Eh?' I was sure i misheard.
The look of disgust more pronounced he repeated, " Please Be on time for the bus."
That was the first conversation I had today. and it turned the whole day blue for me.
I dont react well to criticism. Specially when I am trying hard.
Am I at fault here? and in the many other situations?
Where I attempt to read the expressions ? To understand what he is thinking by the way his mouth twitches, by the way his eyes narrow, by the quick flash of anger he hides, by the 'I cant belive u are doing this again' expression.
And because of my pride in human judgement, I let it hurt me. I think I know what he is thinking and maybe I do. I feel like a little girl again who just wants the appreciation. I wish it would all be made alright. I try to read a different look now, Search for the tenderness.
And then I Let the defense kick in as I withdraw into my shell. Bring about the deliberate freezing in my words. Avoid eye contact . Let the anger simmer coz being angry is better than being sad.
And then when I can lock myself up i let it flow.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Today is a day of uneasiness. I catch myself shaking my head around ; somewhere in the subconcious maybe I hope I can gert rid of all the thoughts that plague me today. I have had this feeling before. Except that then I dint know why. Since I met him, I now know it was lonliness. I no longer get the I dont know whats wrong feeling. Except today. But its differernt coz I know. Its probably the sky diving feeling. I feel myself hurtling towards something. It could be good. or maybe not. All I know is that its not mine. The landscape is not one I dreamt about. It is not the dark abyss which contains the beauty of the unknown. Its the prettiness of the expected. And I rue the lost time . When the unexpected was within reach. And I dint appreciate it. Now I know the future. Of how life has been planned for me. I close my eyes and imagine. See myself as the little girl squatting between shrubs. I reach out , but its long gone. I could stare into space forever watching that image. But am I not repeating the same mistakes again. Of living in a different time. Can I drag myself back to today and to what it is supposed to be ?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
More than Susan Boyle
Susan Boyle is the new sensation .. .an incredible performance on 'Britains got talent' .. Sort of the underdog coming victorious .. more than 3 million views. Its a heart rendering performance which made me completely emo :) . As usual multitude opinions, and because I am too bored to connect them together I am just going to list them out.
First since I am so much a lyrics person i did look up the song. And it is such a sad song ... I guess some of the tears in the audience could be attributed to the song. 'I dream a Dream'.
Second the song is from 'Les Miserables'. Bought back fond memories. No, I have never read the book. Every summer vacation grandpa used to read out bits from classics in his amazing library as bed time stories. 'Les Miserables' soon become a favorite , so much so that I never could read the book.
Third, the prejudice based on looks. And the kindredship we feel when an ugly person makes it. Kind of ironice and yet complimentary isn't it.
Signing of with the song which could make ne one depressed :) ( ya that was a forced smilie)
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
கன்னதி
He calls me by this name.
Among other names. But this one is special.
In a lanuage I understand but vaguely. It is not a traditional nickname. Or atleast not one I have heard before. I can best define it as a combination of two words. But words from which all the nuances have been chopped off. What remains is just the emotion. It starts off with devotion and then suddenly twists into this arrogance which underlies his ownership.
I wonder if he feels this name is more special than the others. If he realises that this is more than a sweet nothing?
When I hear him say it I realize this is for real.
Promise. Assurance. Confidence. Tenderness. Maybe even love.
And when he is not around I replay it in my mind , perfecting his tone in my imaginations.
Again and again. Till I can be almost sure that he is next to me. That I need to but open my eyes to find him.
Thus hidden in my name there exists the summons to him. And to all the beauty of the future.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Growing up
Long ago I thought I was getting old.
Too old to have a life without destination.
Too old to live without cornerstones.
Then I got it all.
Now I dont want to grow up.
To exchange dreams for practicalities.
Or to trade childish tantrums for meaningful conversations.
I thought that love was a fuzzy state of euphoria.
Looks like I am just beginning to learn what it is all about.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
So I haven't blogged for a long time. Or orkutted. or facebooked. Or replied to mails.
Nothing. Nada.
And you have noticed it. And questioned it.
Nonchalant replies was all you got.
How could I explain the urge to hide things.
To keep them close to my heart.
For fear that bringing it out in light would maybe ruin its perfection.
Friday, January 9, 2009
The Princess Diary
" heylo ? "
" hallo princess ! "The word invokes myrid memories.
A childhood belief. Dad tossing me up in the air. Squeals of laughter. ' kanmani ' he calls me. Yes i believe then I am a princess.
Me and my sis . grannys places. cuddled and cozyed up. kumar chitta , sudhi chitta and kutti chitta at my beck . A child spoilt rotten . Of course I am a princess.
Later, The good student . The obedient kid . Cocooned in my world where i wasnt allowed to cross roads alone. Princess again.
The bharatnatyam dancer. decked in age old jewellery . the first performance in the temple. proud parents.
The bookworm. Lost in the fiction I read. The world of dreams where all happened as I willed .
My first crush. My best friend. 'So what if u r his girl friend, I am going to be his friend forever' .
College. The attitude that is expected from ' the girl from delhi ' .
Work. ' Enabling Transformation'.
Masters. perfect gpas. darling friends.
The world is my oyster. Princess still.
And now ?
can I be the princess you dream of ? Having been a virago for so long , would it be an easy transformation ? To be the slim doe eyed beauty? Polished to turn heads. I have been unkempt hair and loud laughters for too long. And It scares me . More than I could ever tell you . The knowledge that I would have to change. and the fact that you would never know that because seen through the facade i am already there.
Friday, October 31, 2008
" The Virtue of Selfishness "
A few days ago i updated my ' about me ' on a social networking site.
It read
" I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. " - John Galt
Objectivism is an easy philosophy to like a difficult one to follow. Its all very trendy to talk about it, and list it in fav books and pretend to be the most independent person around. But deep down i am but a needy girl in pigtails . It would be so easy if i could be the only person who can make me happy or sad . but that state of euphoria is far away. and here i am all lonely wishing i had someone to talk to . wishing i was half as important to ppl as i believe myself to be. wishing dat there were platonic relationships i could expect from.
And so the updated 'about me' reads "If only the answer was 42. "
It read
" I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. " - John Galt
Objectivism is an easy philosophy to like a difficult one to follow. Its all very trendy to talk about it, and list it in fav books and pretend to be the most independent person around. But deep down i am but a needy girl in pigtails . It would be so easy if i could be the only person who can make me happy or sad . but that state of euphoria is far away. and here i am all lonely wishing i had someone to talk to . wishing i was half as important to ppl as i believe myself to be. wishing dat there were platonic relationships i could expect from.
And so the updated 'about me' reads "If only the answer was 42. "
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
July 30 2008
Heylo ppl ...
So i remembered.
Random thoughts on what i remember most about the occasion.
The mad mad rush till the very end trying to get everything together.
all sorts of calculations to figure out the perfect (cheapest) travel agent.
Sri lankan ? air india ?
discussions on how to handle the weight issue ( harshas plans of splitting the bag and repacking in newark and i dont know what else).
the magical number 23. having orkut status as i hate 23 * 2
leaving home.
friends in small and big clusters.
family. introductions.
photographs outside the airport.
and then sudden quiet when everything slows down. the instance when we reach the airport.
have said all the important stuff . gone through the mental checklist 500 time. and then there is nothing else.
you know you need to get into the line ( the long long line. ) but oh plz cant this be bit longer.
well but it is just pushing aside the inevitable , maybe i should go i and be done wid it.
finally finally crossing the glass door. the security .
waiting in line looking around and realizing the extent of brain drain .
shiv struggling with his suitcases
trying to get all our luggage through the scanner . small actions of helping each other lift suitcases . and great thoughts about its symbolism.
explaining to the scanning security female : i am going to study , only have rice in it
checkin . holding our breath while they weigh our suitcases.
the mess i made dropping all my papers and passport around . shivs father calming me down.
visitors window. final looks.harsha saying ' can we go in now' . me pretending to be brave ( ? ) .
waiting in bangalore airport hoping that the flight is not yet delayed.
identifying marks on our suitcase : my orange colored ribbons , harshas chalk marks and shivs intel cards.
my harry potter and charu's just bought namesake.
harsha's stories( all of them had multiple female leads) and our first impressions.
the orange ice cream at bombay airport at 5 am.
my ipod . harsha discovering all cool songs i dint know existed on it. me pretending to be nonchalant and all 'of course i listen to dat'.
Playing dc and having everyone in the flight starring at us.
charu guessing movie names as soon as i say 'one word hindi'.
cribbing about air india hostess .The air steward who woke me up for lunch saying 'bacha kuch kha lo'
the sighting of what we shall believe to be Eiffel tower.
the old uncle in the next seat weeping becoz of fever . and all of scared and hoping to help.
reaching newark.
immigration. the guy saying ' oh you are going to state' . i nodding with no idea whats state .
counting baggages.
managing to sneak in baggage into the connecting flight.
charu having to fight it out over what air india claimed was allowed and american said was not.
searching for animesh and being in tears when i couldnt find him.
taking the train the other terminal. not being able to all the baggage into the train ( yes it was again harsha)
eating from dunking donuts for the first time.
stepping into the flight to raleigh which was the smallest aircraft i had ever seen. what they give only peanuts to eat. rude shock after air india i tell you.
the flight circling around raleigh forever to avoid the welcoming thunderstorms.
landing in a really really dead airport. all shops shuttered ??? isnt this supposed to be an airport ??
pick ups and temp accos.
That was the end of one journey.
It had been a wonderful journey since then with you all and the memories are once to cherish forever.
Cheers to the year that has been .
For the year where we achieved some dreams , exchanged some of them for newer versions.
For the year when we learnt life throws a lot of curve balls. High on life nevertheless.
For the year of laughing till we cried and smiling even when sad.
For the year where we gave up the starry eyedness and took on the independence mantle.
For all it taught us, for all it stood for and for all it will bring us.
Still waiting for the return flight,
Lots of love,
Me :)
So i remembered.
Random thoughts on what i remember most about the occasion.
The mad mad rush till the very end trying to get everything together.
all sorts of calculations to figure out the perfect (cheapest) travel agent.
Sri lankan ? air india ?
discussions on how to handle the weight issue ( harshas plans of splitting the bag and repacking in newark and i dont know what else).
the magical number 23. having orkut status as i hate 23 * 2
leaving home.
friends in small and big clusters.
family. introductions.
photographs outside the airport.
and then sudden quiet when everything slows down. the instance when we reach the airport.
have said all the important stuff . gone through the mental checklist 500 time. and then there is nothing else.
you know you need to get into the line ( the long long line. ) but oh plz cant this be bit longer.
well but it is just pushing aside the inevitable , maybe i should go i and be done wid it.
finally finally crossing the glass door. the security .
waiting in line looking around and realizing the extent of brain drain .
shiv struggling with his suitcases
trying to get all our luggage through the scanner . small actions of helping each other lift suitcases . and great thoughts about its symbolism.
explaining to the scanning security female : i am going to study , only have rice in it
checkin . holding our breath while they weigh our suitcases.
the mess i made dropping all my papers and passport around . shivs father calming me down.
visitors window. final looks.harsha saying ' can we go in now' . me pretending to be brave ( ? ) .
waiting in bangalore airport hoping that the flight is not yet delayed.
identifying marks on our suitcase : my orange colored ribbons , harshas chalk marks and shivs intel cards.
my harry potter and charu's just bought namesake.
harsha's stories( all of them had multiple female leads) and our first impressions.
the orange ice cream at bombay airport at 5 am.
my ipod . harsha discovering all cool songs i dint know existed on it. me pretending to be nonchalant and all 'of course i listen to dat'.
Playing dc and having everyone in the flight starring at us.
charu guessing movie names as soon as i say 'one word hindi'.
cribbing about air india hostess .The air steward who woke me up for lunch saying 'bacha kuch kha lo'
the sighting of what we shall believe to be Eiffel tower.
the old uncle in the next seat weeping becoz of fever . and all of scared and hoping to help.
reaching newark.
immigration. the guy saying ' oh you are going to state' . i nodding with no idea whats state .
counting baggages.
managing to sneak in baggage into the connecting flight.
charu having to fight it out over what air india claimed was allowed and american said was not.
searching for animesh and being in tears when i couldnt find him.
taking the train the other terminal. not being able to all the baggage into the train ( yes it was again harsha)
eating from dunking donuts for the first time.
stepping into the flight to raleigh which was the smallest aircraft i had ever seen. what they give only peanuts to eat. rude shock after air india i tell you.
the flight circling around raleigh forever to avoid the welcoming thunderstorms.
landing in a really really dead airport. all shops shuttered ??? isnt this supposed to be an airport ??
pick ups and temp accos.
That was the end of one journey.
It had been a wonderful journey since then with you all and the memories are once to cherish forever.
Cheers to the year that has been .
For the year where we achieved some dreams , exchanged some of them for newer versions.
For the year when we learnt life throws a lot of curve balls. High on life nevertheless.
For the year of laughing till we cried and smiling even when sad.
For the year where we gave up the starry eyedness and took on the independence mantle.
For all it taught us, for all it stood for and for all it will bring us.
Still waiting for the return flight,
Lots of love,
Me :)
Friday, February 22, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Facing thy dreams
'Chase thy dreams ' .... how often have we heard his .. the omnipresent inspirational quote .. and of course isnt that the secret of achieving dreams. But what do you do when fate intervens . You dont get to chase your dream coz lady luck smiles at you and wham , heres your opportunity. Its time to ' capture thy dream' . But hello ? whatever happened to preparing for it. I am not ready as yet . I dont want it now . I would rather it remains the elusive dream , thank you very much. For i would rather have a destination as compared to the memory of a failure . I am no spider , not even a king bruce. and a shimmering oasis is all i ask for.
' hee hee' , you cant dictate terms to me fate chortles
And so the grand saga of me facing what i have always wanted ends with me questioning my right to dream so big. well what have always wnted might not be true , but yes pretty high on the list of things i want ( second only to true love , sighs cindrella ).
And now the subduded questions emerge. destinations . and yes i know lifes about the journey . but without the destination i sort of cannot make the right turns you know. Reminds me of these bike rides i used to go on with a friend . with the hopes of getting lost we would choose turns without thinking . and no i never got anywhere interesting. Thats what i dread. A journey ending with well so what?
Signing of hoping to find new dreams .
' hee hee' , you cant dictate terms to me fate chortles
And so the grand saga of me facing what i have always wanted ends with me questioning my right to dream so big. well what have always wnted might not be true , but yes pretty high on the list of things i want ( second only to true love , sighs cindrella ).
And now the subduded questions emerge. destinations . and yes i know lifes about the journey . but without the destination i sort of cannot make the right turns you know. Reminds me of these bike rides i used to go on with a friend . with the hopes of getting lost we would choose turns without thinking . and no i never got anywhere interesting. Thats what i dread. A journey ending with well so what?
Signing of hoping to find new dreams .
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Sunscreen and duh someones !!
First the song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ
i rediscovered it today ..
after what can only be termed as an unbelievable day . like one of those murphy law days . the why me days . the not again . and the not one more thing .
and then when you have screamed yourself hoarse . and had the world against you.
but the sunscreen song always does it .
'duh someone' is much more special. the luxury of being able to crib to someone who is so practical . you would think practicality = distance .but well not here . he is the perfect listener . as i have declared so many times before. and every time he plays the role , he never fails to surprise me. Thabk you . muuahhh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ
i rediscovered it today ..
after what can only be termed as an unbelievable day . like one of those murphy law days . the why me days . the not again . and the not one more thing .
and then when you have screamed yourself hoarse . and had the world against you.
but the sunscreen song always does it .
'duh someone' is much more special. the luxury of being able to crib to someone who is so practical . you would think practicality = distance .but well not here . he is the perfect listener . as i have declared so many times before. and every time he plays the role , he never fails to surprise me. Thabk you . muuahhh.
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