Everyday I learn more about my inequality.
And you the one who stands aside and does not protest is equally guilty.

Like and Is

Like and Is,
The two are not the same.
Right and Permission,
The two are not the same.
Love and Acceptance,
The two are not the same.
Boy and girl,
the two are never same.

At that moment, all I could see was your eyes and the promise they held,
The beauty of the world was no comparison to the beauty of the future

Not all men are born equal.
Some are born as women.
And hence cannot exercise the option.

Love meant to happen

When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew - Shakespeare

I got up late today. Like really late .
10 mins later I was running to catch the last bus.
I turned around the corner and ran flaying my arms and just made it.
Huffing and puffing i get on to the bus , smiling as is the custom here and said a bright good morning.
The bus driver was a middle aged chinese guy, a tiny person who looked like an unlikey driver.
"Please Be on time for the bus."
'Eh?' I was sure i misheard.
The look of disgust more pronounced he repeated, " Please Be on time for the bus."
That was the first conversation I had today. and it turned the whole day blue for me.
I dont react well to criticism. Specially when I am trying hard.
Am I at fault here? and in the many other situations?
Where I attempt to read the expressions ? To understand what he is thinking by the way his mouth twitches, by the way his eyes narrow, by the quick flash of anger he hides, by the 'I cant belive u are doing this again' expression.
And because of my pride in human judgement, I let it hurt me. I think I know what he is thinking and maybe I do. I feel like a little girl again who just wants the appreciation. I wish it would all be made alright. I try to read a different look now, Search for the tenderness.
And then I Let the defense kick in as I withdraw into my shell. Bring about the deliberate freezing in my words. Avoid eye contact . Let the anger simmer coz being angry is better than being sad.
And then when I can lock myself up i let it flow.

Today is a day of uneasiness. I catch myself shaking my head around ; somewhere in the subconcious maybe I hope I can gert rid of all the thoughts that plague me today. I have had this feeling before. Except that then I dint know why. Since I met him, I now know it was lonliness. I no longer get the I dont know whats wrong feeling. Except today. But its differernt coz I know. Its probably the sky diving feeling. I feel myself hurtling towards something. It could be good. or maybe not. All I know is that its not mine. The landscape is not one I dreamt about. It is not the dark abyss which contains the beauty of the unknown. Its the prettiness of the expected. And I rue the lost time . When the unexpected was within reach. And I dint appreciate it. Now I know the future. Of how life has been planned for me. I close my eyes and imagine. See myself as the little girl squatting between shrubs. I reach out , but its long gone. I could stare into space forever watching that image. But am I not repeating the same mistakes again. Of living in a different time. Can I drag myself back to today and to what it is supposed to be ?